IDENTITY

Now that my precious little angel, at least now when he is sitting in his bouncer and listening to his Baby Einstein CD, is being content it gives me a moment to reflect on this last month...

It's funny how in a sense I have lost my identity as me and have become Nicolas' Mom. It seems the first thing out of everyone's mouth is how is Nicolas doing today or did he sleep last night? Not how are you today? Which in a sense I don't really mind because he is so special but it's funny how times change so quickly. That sometimes you get lost in the shuffle of everyone wanting to see him and you can't really prepare for it or expect it until it happens. Then you think when was the last time that I did something for myself? Probably not since he was born, but then I think he is depending on me for everything what can I really expect? When my Mom calls and asks how he is doing I jokingly say he is fine and so am I...she just laughs and says of course you are. It is pretty funny how fast life changes for the better of course and without any notice I have become Nicolas' Mom and will be known as that for the rest of my life here on earth. And truly wouldn't want it any other way.

So anyone who doesn't have children, once they do they will understand when I introduce my new self as Nicolas' Mom.

BECOMING MOMMY

It's funny how I look back now to 2005 and see all the frustrations and hurting I did when we tried for over a year to have a baby, to where we are now with our precious little angel. I was beginning to think that being a Mommy was not in the cards for me and wondering why I was being punished?? Everytime someone would tell me they were pregnant I would put a smile on my face and suck it up, when really inside I was crying out thinking...why not me? 2005 was a year I truly want to forget between not becoming pregnant and some other family issues, but 2006 started out with a bang....there is never a dull moment in our lives.

On January 23rd of this year, we were going to buy a new truck that Bryan had found and HAD to have :) and something just didn't feel right, I had been feeling sick and tired but thought it was just my head playing games with me again...but when we got home we realized it wasn't and FINALLY we were going to have a baby!!! I couldn't keep my emotions to myself and I knew that I couldn't tell ANYONE because maybe it was a hoax or something like that and I couldn't dare start telling people to have to tell them it was a mistake. So we kept it to ourselves until my first doctors appointment only telling my very best friend, Terri.

So finally we were going to have a baby and I guess it didn't really hit me until a month into it when we had to go to the hospital because I was having complications and I truly thought this was it. We had tried so hard only to have him taken away from us in an instant, which really made me realize that we as human beings have no control over anything and that it is all in God's hands. So all we can do is pray to God that everything is going to be ok and that there is a plan for everything whether we understand it or not. Fortunately for us it was only a false alarm and we continued on with caution knowing life is very precious.
I guess that's what I have learned throughout out this process of becoming Mommy is that no matter what we think or want to do, it's really not in our hands and we have to take each moment for what it is because it can be taken away from us in an instant without any notice. I love being Mommy and can't imagine my life without him even though it's only been 25 days that we have had the honor of being his Mommy and Daddy.