A Moment in Time

A moment in time, everyone I think has that one moment in life that they never forget.  I don't mean that moment in time the world stopped when the Trade Center fell, although it was tragic and I will never forget it.....that's not the moment I am talking about, it's the moment when time stops.  My moment happened on August 11th, 2012.....

It was a lazy summer morning when Nico had spent the night at my Dad's and I was in no hurry to do anything but be lazy.  Daddy was off to work and I was watching "Ghost Whisperer", it was one of my favorite shows and they were having a marathon. 

Now normally this would not even be a day to even blog about, but that's when my cell rang and I thought it was just a good morning call from Daddy......when I could hear the tears in his voice and the "are you sitting down" question was said I knew something was wrong.  You see Daddy calls from time to time to say good morning to see what we were up to while he is on duty, but this was different something was wrong and what he said next I could of never imagined......

He said, " I got a call from Mom, Gary passed away yesterday"......my body went numb, my heart was pounding and the first thing I could possibly say is "what?" and he had to say it again and my brain finally put the words together to realize and all I could do was cry and say I had to go.....this possibly couldn't be happening he was only 53 years old and full of life.  I don't remember much of what happened next but as my numb hands dialed the numbers of my Mom and closest friends it was unreal that this was happening, how could it be true and why? 

I think I was in shock, and my hands and brain couldn't get together to be able to dial Daddy back...once I did he wanted to dial 911 he was afraid for me but I pulled through....what other choice did I have.  I was so hurt, my heart broken and mad how could this had happened......Gary and I always had the agreement that he would tell me when he traveled and where he was going because I had to keep track of him......I truly never thought it would come true and we'd have to track him in any other way but by his emails.

For the days to come I didn't want to get out of bed, I watched our son cry himself to sleep and asking when was he coming back???  How could I expect my 5 year old to understand when my mind truly didn't understand.....and I kept thinking no one should have to bury a parent at 33 years old and his life was just starting...16 years of knowing him wasn't enough, it wasn't enough time.

My reality hit me when my Mom took me aside and said, "Nico asked me why Mommy is crying all the time, and that he cries because I am."  That was like a slap in the face, I knew it was time to get out of bed and no matter how hard it was to come to the reality he was never coming back, and although I know we'll meet again the reality of living this life without him broke my heart.

Gary and I were very close, I always kept tabs on him and he always gave me a different perspective on things that maybe I was being ridiculous about.....he never told me no, but always in a way of lets look at it this way.....we'll almost never he did tell me no when I wanted to drive to Baltimore one time in the middle of the night...we would email back and forth, and when he was in the States I always made sure that he stopped to see us even if it was just for dinner.  These last few years I made sure we took a week and went to stay with him, and it was something I will cherish for the rest of life.  The talks, laughs......his laugh was one if you heard it you'd never forget it and fun, memorable moments I am so fortunate that Nico and all of us got to experience.

I have had people tell me that I'll get over it and I have had others say I'll never get over it......I think both are true, when I speak or think his name even this many months later it brings tears to my eyes.  At this point I am not ready to let anything go, and in time I am sure things will get easier....just to many things have happened and I am angry......I am finally admitting that I am angry, angry he is gone, angry he left us, angry we didn't get to say goodbye.....

Do I have regrets, I truly don't I said and did everything I wanted too.....would I have loved to have more time with him, absolutely but I live my life for the moment and I say and do what I mean at this moment, I did with Gary and my last email with him was that he was leaving for Africa, he wanted to let me know to keep tabs on him.....as I always did I told him to have a safe trip, let me know when he returned and that we loved and missed him very much.....after what I thought was longer than it should of been I emailed him and I found he had opened it but didn't respond....three days later he was gone.....do I wish he would have, absolutely......do I regret he didn't nope he like me said everything he needed to the last time we talked.....nothing left unsaid......

So this one moment on August 11th, 2012 is one that will rock my core for the rest of my life, but trying to move on has been the hardest thing I have had to do in my life and although I haven't completely....I am hoping little by little it will get easier.  I know in my heart he would of never wanted me to not move on with my life but when someone is so wrapped up in it, it's hard not to look at your phone or email thinking they might appear... and then for that second have the reality come back and slap you in the face.......when I realize he is gone......

It's time to remember the good times, the laughs, the memories, the stories so I can pass on his legacy to my son and tell him what a great man he really was and he is someone that will always be in our hearts and on our minds until we meet again.  As my Mom always says "The Good Die Young", and he definitely was one of the great ones.......maybe not by fame or fortune but was a rock star to all who knew and loved him. 

Rest in Peace, Gary.  Gone but never forgotten..........